just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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