dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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