I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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