At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize