and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It's just like the Real World with babies
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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