so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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