Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
