he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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