I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
