I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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