I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
