My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Can you bring me the toilet please
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
