Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize