Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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