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so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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