Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Randomize
