i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
