remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You need a sexual gate keeper
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
