you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
