I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
