If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
