Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
