I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
