Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
