His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
