just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
