so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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