So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
