hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
