I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Life is so much better after having sex.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
