I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
50% drunk capacity currently
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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