I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
high people should be assigned attendants
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
