Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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