the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
