Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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