They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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