Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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