Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
