i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
