??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize