True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
