Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
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