dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My brain says no but my pants say off.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Randomize