I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
