I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
