I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have aggressive nipples.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
