You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
