maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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