Just cropdusted the office
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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