Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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