Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
