How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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