Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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