What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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