Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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