Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so let's talk penis.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
