i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
