forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
