I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
